I love buying gadgets and tech junk. It’s basically an addiction. Some shiny new piece of plastic gets marketed as the thing that’ll save my life from disaster, and I fall for it every time.
One of the biggest offenders? Those little trackers that promise you’ll never lose your keys again. Of course, I bought one.
Tile
I tried multiple versions of these things. Tile alone has a whole lineup—keychain ones, wallet ones, button-looking ones, even third-party devices that work on their network. A gadget nerd’s wet dream.
I stuck them everywhere: my baby’s diaper bag, my keys, my backpack. Like always, I became hyper-fixated. Constantly opening the app, checking where everything was.
They were always at my house.
No matter where I went.
Always at my house.
Very useful. Truly thrilled with this purchase.
Here’s how Tile works, if you’re not familiar: everyone with the app becomes a receiver. If they walk past one of your trackers, it reports the location to the network and updates your map.
Sounds great—until you realize it only works if enough people around you actually use Tile. Spoiler: they don’t. I tried it back when Tile was the biggest name in the game, before Apple and everyone else jumped in. Still useless.
And then there’s the biggest problem of all:
If you’re on an iPhone, the app has to stay open in the background.
What kind of psychopath leaves apps running in the background?
I swipe-kill apps like it’s a sport. If an app is open, it’s living on borrowed time. I take them out like I’m John Wick and they killed my dog.
So yeah. Tile sucks. Moving on.
Apple AirTag
Naturally, I learned absolutely nothing from my Tile experience. The second Apple released the AirTag, I bought one.
To be fair, there’s nothing wrong with how it works. It does exactly what Apple promises. Every time it passes another Apple device, it reports in. With iPhones everywhere, it actually works great.
My biggest gripe?
One dumb coin design.
Not rechargeable.
That’s it. That’s the whole product.
I will give Apple credit for opening up the Find My network to third-party devices. I never thought they’d allow gadgets made by heathens onto their holy platform. Because we all know God prefers Apple to Satan’s Android. Even though it’s all made with questionable labor anyway. I’m ranting. Moving on.
Why These Things Are Useless to Me
Bluetooth trackers are useless for me—even the blessed AirTag.
I bought it, thinking I’d toss it in my backpack and never lose it. Great idea in theory. Didn’t pan out. I change backpacks as often as my wife changes purses. The AirTag doesn’t always make the move.
And here’s the bigger issue: I don’t lose my backpack. Ever. I take it to work, then home. Worst-case scenario, it sits in my car. Also, guess what’s already in my backpack? My iPad. Which already shows up in Find My.
And because the AirTag has that stupid coin design—and because I’m lazy—I never bought an accessory to attach it to my keys. The keys I also never lose.
Conclusion
All my Tile devices are dead.
My AirTag is somewhere in my house, probably inside a backpack I’m not using.
And the real insanity? After all this, I’ve still thought about buying more AirTags.
What am I even going to do with them?
Apple marketing is a powerful drug.
They’ll probably be sitting in my Amazon cart by the end of the day.